It changes you

“It just becomes a unique part of you. That’s you now. It’s not gonna define who you are, but it’s gonna be a part of your forever.” Roland, Ontario

“After my dad died I got quite existential and I started questioning like, the meaning of life and all that dumb stuff. But in a way I’m kind of grateful because it, it did kind of bring out this other side of me and I really like who I am today. Like, I have a lot darker sense of humour and, you know, I feel like I have a good grasp on things.” C.M., Ontario

“Everybody has this version of themselves after they’ve lost somebody. And if you want them to be their best self later, leave them alone and respect what they’re doing and try to be comforting and encouraging to who that person is at that moment… I don’t think anybody is the same after grief.” Daniel, Ontario

“I let it define me. I do. I try not to let it do it to me in a negative way… But the first little while it was a negative thing, to define myself as that. Like, I had so much self pity. Honestly I still do, I probably always will. But there was so much self-pity that I let it define me negatively. Now I kind of changed it so it defines me as a stronger person and the fact that I can handle a lot of shit, and I’ve been through a lot of shit now, so I let it define me in the sense that it made me a better person. It made me a humble person. It made me a kinder person. So I let it define me in the sense that it changed me. That’s how I let it define me.” Raquel, Nova Scotia

“It’s now a unique part of you. Like, it doesn’t define you, don’t let other people know you as the guy whose brother died or sister died or grandma or dad or mom, whoever it may be. Still be you, but let it be a unique part of you that has given you like, newfound wisdom and kind of use that wisdom, like, in your future in a sense because, it sucks but it provides you with great tools.” Wyatt, Ontario

Growing up fast

“Growing up was really hard. Like obviously I had my supporters, like I have my family and everything, but it was just… It was a lot to handle ‘cause I was so young and I grew up so fast because… I had a lot of responsibility because I have younger siblings. So I felt like I grew up a lot faster than I should have had to, and there’s a lot of things that I missed out on because of having to set an example for them.” Abby, Nova Scotia

“When my dad died, my mom was a mess. So I stepped up and became the parent instead of being the teenager I was supposed to be. So instead of going out and having fun I stayed home to make sure… even my oldest siblings that were like 20 and stuff, I looked after them too and I stopped my grieving until this year. And I think that’s why it’s hitting me harder this year, it’s ‘cause I didn’t grieve at all last year. ‘Cause I was the, I was the mom and a dad together for all the siblings.” Chelsey, Nova Scotia

“I think if you have siblings when you lose someone it’s a lot different than say, someone who doesn’t have siblings. Because if you are either the oldest, or the youngest… no matter what, if you have a sibling… Like I was grieving but I have to make sure that all my other siblings were taken care of because there’s just my mom. She worked all the time so I had to kinda step up.” Cody, Nova Scotia

Grief can feel like…

Dulled — “Almost like everything around me is dulled. Like I can’t see it… when I’m having a day where I’m grieving a lot, like, my brain just feels really, really full and I just can’t get my brain to do any one thing.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

Prolonged grief & peace – “My grandpa had been battling cancer for a year and a half before he died. And it’s excruciating to sit there and watch someone die in front of you because it’s like, prolonged grief. Like, you know it’s coming but you don’t know when. And I think that that, in a sense, was harder than when he died because when he died, I knew that he wasn’t in so much pain anymore. And I could see it in my grandma and my mom, and they felt the same way. They were just happy that he wasn’t in pain anymore, not that he was gone because we loved the time we had with him and I would wish him to be alive every day if I could. But like, just that he wasn’t suffering was just… it brought so much peace to us.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

On fire — “when I’m alone, I actually sit and really process what I’m saying and actually think about it, then I get that feeling that I used to get where I feel like I’m on fire. That’s kinda, that’s how I describe it for me. I remember when he died it was like… my body kinda reacted before my mind did. Like, I felt like my skin was on fire. Like someone literally lit a match inside me.… it was some kind of spark, just burned me more than like, anything I’ve ever been through… It was almost like I was a drug addict who needed a fix; your body has that withdrawal.” Cameron, Manitoba

Just sucks — “It just sucks. Like, there’s no good that I can find right now in my dad’s death. There’s no blessing, there’s no lesson that I’ve learned right now. It just sucks.” Chelsey, Nova Scotia

On fire — “when I’m alone, I actually sit and really process what I’m saying and actually think about it, then I get that feeling that I used to get where I feel like I’m on fire. That’s kinda, that’s how I describe it for me. I remember when he died it was like… my body kinda reacted before my mind did. Like, I felt like my skin was on fire. Like someone literally lit a match inside me.… it was some kind of spark, just burned me more than like, anything I’ve ever been through… It was almost like I was a drug addict who needed a fix; your body has that withdrawal.” Cameron, Manitoba

Disbelief — “Probably the hardest thing was trying to believe it actually happened. I remember calling the hospital the next day after he died and saying, “How is my dad doing?” And they were like, “You were here last night, you know he passed away.” And I was like, “Yeah, I know. I just had to make sure.” It was a really tough moment. So when I hung up the phone reality kinda set in and I was like, ‘huh, it wasn’t a dream.’ And what’s weird is, it feels like a nightmare every single day… I don’t know what hurts more: trying to figure out what’s real, or when you find out what’s actually real. There’s pain either way but a different kind of pain. When it feels like a nightmare you think there’s some weird stupid glimmer of hope.” Cameron, Manitoba

More “Grief can feel like…”

Unpredictable — “Stages of grief… Like, they say, “There’s five stages, usually the time line for each stage…” Well it’s like, I’ve been in that one for a long time so that doesn’t apply to me. I don’t believe that there are stages. I believe that everybody goes through different things at different times. And most likely you don’t just get over it in, like, a year like they say you do. Like, you deal with it in different ways. Most people don’t even deal with grief until like, way down the road. There’s no timeline for stages!” Hailey, Ontario

Guilty — “The thing with death by suicide is the guilt that people feel around them, like, “Oh, I should have known this.” And that brings a whole new part to it. And the bullying around that and the stigma is so much greater. And not to say that there isn’t a lot of bullying when it comes to grief on a regular basis, but I mean when somebody has experienced a loss that was purposeful… the people around them just, it’s just hard to get it.” Anonymous, Nova Scotia

Dead inside — “I got to a point — I don’t know if anybody else has — where you kind of just, don’t feel anything. ‘Cause you just kind of feel dead inside and it’s really a dark place. And then you don’t feel like you can relate to anyone or what anybody else says. And I think that was the biggest obstacle I had to get around.” Wyatt, Ontario

Guilty — “I kinda blame myself for some reason. I guess because, just being young, I couldn’t understand. Somehow I thought I was the reason for the cancer. It’s not how it works but I thought it was me… I guess I wish I had said certain things to him before he died. But I feel like I talked to him every single day and I learned a lot about him. Stuff I wish I knew a long time ago, but I learned a lot about him. And when he died a piece of me kinda went with him.” Cameron, Manitoba

Unique — “the way I grieved for the first death I ever experienced is very different form the next and the one after.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

Strange — “What I would tell myself, would be, you know what? It’s going to be a long road ahead. You will feel feelings of like, regret, feelings of guilt, feelings of anger, sadness, joy at times (but that one’s highly unlikely). You’ll feel confused, I think, ‘cause I know a lot of teens, it’s usually the first time they’ve dealt with it. They don’t know how to deal with it. Everything they’ve gone through or everything they’re experiencing is just strange and abnormal… So I think if they know that what they’re going through is not wrong, it’s not bad, it’s not weird, whatever, it…it like it helps them.” Daniel, Ontario

Finding out

“I found out through Facebook. Yeah. So that was… I got a call. I was camping, and I got a call and they just said that he was in an accident, like nobody knew what was going on. And then I saw it on Facebook ‘cause everyone was sharing it. And that was pretty… that was kinda… hurtful I guess.” Madison, Nova Scotia

“When I lost my grandfather we were all home. We got the phone call and we all kinda knew that was happening too. It was 2:00 in the morning and my mom came in the room crying, so it was just like, you just feel empty ‘cause you know what happened.” Cody, Nova Scotia

“You get that call. When my grandfather was dying it was prolonged but, my grandma called us and she was like, “Pack your stuff, get in the car, and get here.” We lived three hours away from where they do, so we like, frantically packed… we shoved everything in baskets and backpacks and we jumped in the car. And it was like, the fastest drive we’ve ever gotten there. And I just remember the pain of getting in the car for that period of time and just… It was awful.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

It is hard to talk about like, how you found out they passed away… For me it was really unexpected. Like, I was with my friends up at a basketball game, the hospital in town was just 2 seconds away. And like, I just kinda… I walked in and the machine was beeping so I just instantly knew what was happening. Like, that’s something you can live with forever. I had nightmares of just hearing beep noises for the longest time and it was just like, the way you lose someone, and the way you find out can affect you in a lot of different ways too.” Cody, Nova Scotia

Stigma & assumptions of “male” grief

“There’s some kind of weird stigma about people who have been through stuff. Like, we’re very like, aggressive and violent all the time. It’s not true. It’s really not… people being kind of scared of us makes us feel worse. So if people hate the fact that we’re, like, angry, then don’t treat us as less ‘cause it’s gonna make us more angry and more upset. If you were to show someone love and kindness after they’ve gone through stuff, they would heal differently, they’ll heal in a healthier manner. But if you’re gonna bully that person or exclude them, then you’re just gonna carry this manifestation of anger and hatred. It just leads to more problems.” Cameron, Manitoba

“I find I get treated kind of differently about grief, too. I find it’s getting better but like, when it first happened, I was first treated a lot different because I was always like, I’ve always been like a super physical guy when it comes to sports, like I’m always just kinda the goof. All through school, I remember I would get into it with my teachers and like, if I ever said anything about grieving, it was just like, “you’re a shit disturber, you’re a big guy, you’re fine.” So I found that was always the thing I always faced as a guy, like, as a bigger guy, too. It was like they don’t think you grieve, like, they don’t think guys grieve.” Cody, Nova Scotia

“The way they treat guys, it’s just like they expect you to be fine because you’re a boy. Like, you shouldn’t feel pain because you’re a boy. You shouldn’t cry because you’re a boy… it’s not right and like, everyone hurts… It’s just not fair. I do notice that guys experience just as girls do.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

“For the guys out there, it’s a problem with men. We just tend to like, close off all our emotions. There’s some weird social thing that we’re like, weak or something, but to me showing your emotions is strong. It takes courage. It’s really brave of you to open up about how you feel and be vulnerable.” Cameron, Manitoba

Doing stuff without them

“Realizing that like, I was gonna have to spend my birthday without him was a really hard one. ‘Cause the year before I had spent it with him in the hospital and with all our family. So that was, that was a big one.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

“My biggest challenge was probably starting a new sport. Because he always watched our sports and stuff, and I was in gymnastics and he got to see a lot of that. But then I joined cheerleading and it was just, like, I knew he wouldn’t… cheer was something that I really loved, and it just made me really upset that he couldn’t be there to watch me.” Abby, Nova Scotia

“I can’t watch home videos. That is one thing my mom always did when I was growing up is that she would take home videos. And I know that they’re there but I just, I can’t do it.” Anonymous, Nova Scotia

“They passed away in August so I knew that school was coming up and it really hurt me because normally my grandma would come to my house and she would be like, “I’m gonna take you on a shopping trip.” And like, that was our thing that we would do. And knowing that wasn’t coming, it really hurt.” Claire, Manitoba

“I feel like for me that the worst days haven’t really come yet… I always dreamed about getting married when I was a kid. Like I just, it was a really big thing for me, like, the dress and like, having kids and stuff. And I just don’t feel like I wanna do that anymore. That’s what I feel like is gonna be the hardest for me.” Madison, Nova Scotia

“My dad was always really big for going out and playing catch, playing hockey and stuff… I remember playing hockey, like… I couldn’t even tie my own skates so he would put them on. But once he passed away, I just, I wouldn’t let anyone else do it. I was just a mess because I still didn’t know how to do it, so my biggest thing right away was like, I didn’t know where to go from this. Like, I loved hockey and I sort of lost interest in playing it. Going back to school and everything was just like, I didn’t wanna do anything. I just wanted to be home with the family. I didn’t wanna keep doing anything I was doing.” Cody, Nova Scotia

Memories fading

“To me it’s not memories fading, it’s the visual of him, me being with him. I can always remember him, I can remember what we did together but it’s like, his face. Just being close to him, like, him helping me do stuff, that stuff… I feel it fade every day. It’s almost like you forget what he looks like and you have to go look back at the picture and look at him and it’s like, he looks different than what your memory is.” Cody, Nova Scotia

“One of the hardest parts of grief is the person slowly dwindling from your memory, everyone’s experience is different but I personally only got to spend 12 years with my dad, I feel as though I didn’t get enough time with him. Even now only 4 years later it can be difficult thinking of specific memories with him. Thinking of how I still have many many years to go scares me because how much of him will I forget by then? Hearing all my family talk about the great times they had with him, while it’s nice, it also upsets me because I feel like I don’t have as many memories of him as they do.” C.M., Ontario

“The biggest thing I kind of forget is how he talked, like how he talked to us. Sometimes, like on a rough day I can go and look back on Facebook and read how he used to talk to me and just… You just wonder, when you read that stuff, like, “what would you say to me now?” It’s one big question all the time.” Cody, Nova Scotia

Keeping memories close

“There were certain songs that just made me really happy to listen to. Because me and my dad, every Sunday morning when I was just little, and I don’t know how I remember this because I wasn’t even in school yet, but there was two songs that would come on the radio every morning, and we’d sing those… And I would hum a lot, and it was like a big thing because whenever I stopped he would start, and when he stopped I would start. Like, we would just keep humming, like different sounds together. So music makes me feel a lot better about some situations too.” Abby, Nova Scotia

“I used to write letters to him and like, pretend he got them, and just kept on writing them and like, telling him how I’m doing and what am I up to.” Anonymous, Nova Scotia

“I have pictures on my wall of my dad and my friends. So I have like, a lot of pictures of my dad on there. So like, it’s not that I don’t forget the memory but… my bed’s right beside the pictures so it just kind of feels like he’s there with me.” Anonymous, Nova Scotia

“It’s only been like, a year and a half, so I can still remember quite a bit about him, but I know as time passes I probably am going to forget some things and it’s gonna be hard. But I have his ashes in my necklace that I’m wearing. I sleep with a pillow that’s made out of his shirt and I sleep with his pajama pants. So I have everything so I don’t forget him.” Chelsey, Nova Scotia

“Before my dad died, he used to compose music. He had a little studio set up in our basement. In fact, he even wrote and published a few songs, and I like to go back and listen to them ‘cause it makes me feel like he’s still around.” Ardenne, Ontario

More “Keeping memories close”

“My apartment is actually covered in butterfly stuff. Tattoos are another thing that helped me a lot, actually. I got my first one when I was 14 so it was just a few months after I lost mom and I’ve just been progressively getting more. And I always get purple butteries throughout them so I think one day I’ll probably be covered in butterflies because, I don’t know, it’s just like, every time I get one I just feel closer because every time I look down it’s like, there she is. And it’s a conversation piece so people are like, “what’s that mean?” kind of thing. So for me that definitely helps.” Raquel, Nova Scotia

“My dad listened to a song, it was called “Hold the Beer While I Kiss Your Girlfriend” or something. And that was like, so my dad. It wasn’t about him kissing other girls, but “hold my beer while I show you up,” because whatever you could do, he could do better. When I hear that song it’s like, ‘This is my dad’s song.’ It’s just kind of always stuck with me.” Cody, Nova Scotia

“My dad played a lot of guitar and we always had his guitar sitting in the same spot for so many years. Over the years my mom was always like, “Oh don’t touch that, like, it’s super precious. Never touch the guitar.” And then I took it up a few years ago and I just love playing it…. I didn’t really tell her I had started to play it until I got good at playing it and played it a lot, and then I started playing songs that he used to play. Then she was like “Oh, play me songs every single day when you get home.” She really liked it. But she just didn’t want me touching it ‘cause she didn’t think I could play guitar until I really started to learn it… Now it’s a really good thing that we like to do and we started doing it at bigger family gatherings and then everyone realized that like, “Oh that’s your dad’s guitar, like I can’t believe you started to play it. That was a risky move.” Hannah, Ontario

“My dad used to play guitar and he had a few songs that he really liked and that he would play all the time. And so I like listening to those songs now and also since he died I started learning guitar. So I’ve been learning the songs that he used to play and I find that’s quite nice.” C.M., Ontario

Changing relationships

“I was like, 5 or 4 when my dad died and my brother was a lot older. He was like my age, like 13, 14. So when it happened he was kind of like, super-isolated from my mom… Then when I got older, I see that my brother is not as close to my mom as I am because just growing up and dealing with it, my brother always pushed my mom away from him and she always came towards me. So I just started to become closer with my mom and we’re starting to like, get close to my brother but I think just having a death in the family really just isolated my brother from my mom. And I think it wasn’t good for him and it wasn’t good for our family as a whole because like, it made it very difficult… But like, the stereotype that it makes you stronger, like I think it does in the long run but not immediately after. Like a few years after. It takes a while.” Hannah, Ontario

“Just because there was a death in the family doesn’t mean your family gets closer. It could drive your family completely apart, which was my case… My mom was kind of like the mediator, the person that drove our family and with her being gone, I thought, “oh, maybe this is like, an opportunity for my family to get closer,” whereas it drove people completely away, like, no one talks to each other, type of thing.” Hailey, Ontario

“I guess I thought the loss of my dad would have like, all my family members would hang out more or do stuff together, like, go to my cottage and stuff like that, which we did a lot with my dad. But usually my mom and my sister are kinda like, we’re not really around with other family members that much, not really invited to many things. We’re still kind of a part of everything but like, it’s not the same as it used to be when my dad was around, like, when everything was kind of like, normal and stuff like that.” Nolan, Ontario

“Telling people”

“This past semester of going to a new school, I met somebody who is very reserved. And I won’t pry, so I’m not gonna sit there and poke you and say, “tell me your whole life story.” But I started explaining my life situation, what got me here, the reason why I am who I am today. Like, my purpose in life, the fact that I do everything simply to make my mom proud. So by doing that, this person also started talking and then they also said, “Oh, I actually lost my dad when I was 6 years old.” So they were able to find somebody that they were able to relate to when they kind of never had anyone else. So I’m very open and I use it to kinda help other people talk about their own feelings, regardless of if it’s grief related or not.” Hailey, Ontario

“I was in elementary school and I went to a very small school, so all the parents knew each other and all the kids knew each other and it made it easier because my mom had told all of them and everyone already knew. I realized that I never like, learned how to tell people, I never had to tell people.” Camille, Ontario

“I wish they knew from me instead of like, finding out through talking to somebody else. That’s why it’s always good to tell people because if you don’t tell them they’re gonna find out through some other way… It doesn’t always come up, like 1 out of 2 times you’ll say something and they’ll be like, “Why is that?” and then you’ll say “Oh, I lost this person”… so it’s good to tell them when you feel comfortable with it, and even if you don’t feel entirely comfortable with it, it’ll feel good afterwards… So it’s better to tell them than for them to find out later on because then you’re in control of what happens and you get to decide how the conversation plays out fully.” Sully, Ontario

“I told my best friend and I didn’t really tell anyone else but then the school year after, I started becoming becoming friends with like, my best friend now. And it’s never easy… I didn’t wanna tell her at first so… I just never told her so now I’m in some really awkward situations. I don’t know how to bring it up without being like “this is like a big part of me I just never told you about.” So it’s really awkward.” R.F., Ontario

“I started meeting people this year on different teams that I started joining and I got really close with a lot of them. They asked what my mom did and I told them, and they asked what my dad did, and I just said what he used to do. So now I’ve kind of put myself in this situation, like I have to somehow tell them but I’m not actually planning on telling them any time soon. But I have to figure out what I’m gonna do, right? I think the best way is kind of like, if they ask you again, you just simply say, like, “this is just what happened, you don’t have to freak out, you can talk about it,” well, if you feel comfortable with them talking about it with you. You set up however you want them to react to it. Just like, say it but wait for the right time for you.” Hannah, Ontario

“They don’t get it”

“I didn’t find my friends really helped me at all. They just don’t get it. It’s just hard to explain how you feel and when you try to, they just blow it off like it’s not a big deal… at the same time, I would never wish the experience of grief on anybody who doesn’t have to go through it for as long as they don’t have to. ‘Cause like, I know that there are some people that I’m really close with that have never had to experience grief ever and I think it’s a blessing and a curse in a sense because then when they do have to experience it, it’s gonna hit hard because everybody around them has dealt with it in a sense. ” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

“I think you have to understand that they don’t understand what you’re going through and they probably never will until it happens to them. Like, you’re in two different realities and you kind of have to accept that you’ve got to be the bigger person there. You just have to like, ignore what they’re saying and accept that you kind of have two different perspectives and you live in two different worlds.” Wyatt, Ontario

“I find it frustrating because they don’t get it and it’s like, you can’t explain to somebody what it feels like to lose a parent. You have to live through it to even half understand what somebody’s going through. So I always find it super frustrating because it’s not the days that, like, the anniversaries and stuff, it’s just you’re sitting there on a Tuesday night and it fuckin’ hits ya. That’s when it’s like, they don’t get it. They think that it’s just certain days. I mean, I do have friends that love and support me but I find they just don’t get it. So friends aren’t really my go-to and I wish they were.” Raquel, Nova Scotia

“My friends obviously don’t understand… like there’s a couple of my friends who have been through it and so like, I can talk to them ‘cause they knew what it was like. But like, my other friends don’t understand what’s going on. But like, if they knew something was up, like, they would hang with me or just kind of be around. But they can’t understand it. But they just try to help.” Anonymous, Nova Scotia

“People don’t get it and I don’t know how to explain to people to get it. And honestly, I’m kind of jealous of people that actually have somebody to go to because I just don’t. And I’m a person that likes to be alone, “just don’t talk to me,” kinda, “leave me alone.” So I kinda think I did that to myself because I just don’t allow people in or to know what I’m feeling. So I think that’s honestly my biggest struggle with grief is not allowing people in and I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to feel it fully yet… Yeah, I think that’s my biggest thing is like, I just haven’t allowed anybody in and I haven’t allowed anybody to even like, see what I’m going through… People just don’t know that with me and they don’t know how to really even help me ‘cause I don’t know how to help myself at this point.” Raquel, Nova Scotia

“For me the problem is actually not kids, it’s actually adults. And the reason why is because I feel like they’re just like, “Oh, well you’re so young, you don’t understand how I feel because this was my husband, this was my son, this was my daughter.” And I feel like that is very disrespectful when they say that but I feel like that’s their way of grieving, if you think about it. Because they don’t know how to deal with that. And you have to think about like the other person’s perspective.” Claire, Manitoba

More “They don’t get it”

“I think it’s important if someone comes to you. Like, one of your friends who hasn’t experienced grieving comes to you with one of their problems, and maybe it doesn’t seem as important to you, but I think it’s important to remember that while, yes, objectively your problems are bigger and more important, but to them, this is what they know and this is important to them. So it’s important to take their feelings into consideration and you can’t just be too blunt with them… ‘cause even if you’re suffering, like I wouldn’t want to make other people suffer as well. And I wouldn’t want to make them feel bad just ‘cause I feel bad.” C.M., Ontario

“Someone in my class made a huge deal about someone stealing something from them. They’re like, stressing, they’re looking all around the class like an idiot with their tail on fire. They’re stressing about something stupid an I’m stressing about, you know, my grandfather dying and what’s gonna happen next with my whole family and all.” Chayse, Manitoba

“I personally show support if I can. Everybody’s going through something. My situation is usually quite intense compared to 90% of people and that’s okay, I still try my best to be there… If a friend is complaining, “My dad didn’t get me me a new Xbox,” I’m like, okay, hold on. I’ll be real with them, “you know, that does suck but go get a fucking job.” Also like, you know, “at least you have a dad, right?” And then they’re kind of like, “Oh, you’re right bro.” … But it’s not their fault really. They’re so naive, I guess, to other situations. And in a way I kind of envy those people ‘cause I’m like, ‘man it must be nice. I wish I could only have your problems.’ It’s okay for them to have those problems, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s kind of like before we lost whoever we lost, we were just like them in a sense. I mean, I’m sure you complain about something minuscule and you look back and like, “Ah, it was petty.” You laugh at it. So I say, just be nice, be respectful ‘cause you want them to respect your problem, too. So you even though their problems might not be like, on our scale, major, on their scale they might be.” Cameron, Manitoba

“I try not to compare my pain or my grief or my emotions to other people’s. Especially when I hear other people talk about like, “Well my situation is harder than this person”. Like, no. Your situation is never worse off than somebody else’s, it’s just different. Like a stubbed toe and a broken toe are two very different things, they still hurt to the person that’s experiencing them. So like when we talk about grief, whether it’s been ten years or two years or two months, it’s still is so significant and it never goes away. Ever. And I don’t think it ever could go away because these are people that we know and we love and have been a crucial part of who we are. And I just, I would never wanna tear somebody’s else’s feelings or their right to feel how they’re feeling away from them, or tear them down for that, because I think what I’m feeling is very important at the moment.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia.

“I try not to compare my pain or my grief or my emotions to other people’s. Especially when I hear other people talk about like, “Well my situation is harder than this person”. Like, no. Your situation is never worse off than somebody else’s, it’s just different. Like a stubbed toe and a broken toe are two very different things, they still hurt to the person that’s experiencing them. So like when we talk about grief, whether it’s been ten years or two years or two months, it’s still is so significant and it never goes away. Ever. And I don’t think it ever could go away because these are people that we know and we love and have been a crucial part of who we are. And I just, I would never wanna tear somebody’s else’s feelings or their right to feel how they’re feeling away from them, or tear them down for that, because I think what I’m feeling is very important at the moment.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia.

More “They don’t get it”

“When I bring up a memory of him and they kinda shut down, and look at me like they don’t know what to say… But sometimes it’s okay to talk about a person you love. Like, just because they’re dead doesn’t mean you have to get rid of every single good or bad memory that you’ve had with the person. I think keeping those memories alive and talking about them is the most important thing.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

“A lot of my close friends know. I wish they’d be more open to letting me talk about it with them and not just shut the subject down, or never bring it up, or ignore it. Or they’ll be like, when they first find out, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” awkwardly. It’s really uncomfortable. But just for them to be open and talk about it more, is something that I personally would really love. For example, them saying “I’m here to listen to you talk about it, if you want,” and genuinely meaning it, would make a huge impact.” Ardenne, Ontario

“People get so awkward. There’s nothing to be awkward about. It pisses me off when people get awkward ‘cause it’s like I wanna talk about mom, I wanna make sure that I still remember these things, and I want people in my life to know about her. But it’s like, when people sit there and shut down or just kinda look at you like, “what are you doin’?” And I just get so frustrated with people. I think that’s one of the biggest emotions I feel a lot, I just get so pissed off with people because nobody’s ever gonna get it.” Raquel, Nova Scotia

“When you’re crying and they don’t know what to say so they just say dumb stuff, they say, “It’s okay, it’s alright,” and like, “I don’t know what to do.” Just sit there. Your job is to sit there and be awkward. Like, you just have to sit there and let a person cry sometimes. Unfortunately, that makes other people uncomfortable or they’re like, “This is awkward.” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s awkward. Deal.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

“Growing up I was always excluded, I was always that kid that had the sick mom. So I found it to be really weird I guess, throughout elementary school, middle school, even high school, ‘cause everyone didn’t really know how to talk about it ‘cause no one could relate. But they were interested kind of in a nosey way, to know what exactly it was, how it happened and stuff. And when she died it was kind of like that conversation stopped, so people kind of just went, “ahh… I’m sorry” and then they just all pulled back.” Hailey, Ontario

“As ironic as it is that grieving or death in general is literally something that happens every single day, it’s one of the most uncomfortable topics to anybody, regardless of if you’re like a family member or just somebody in general… Hearing, “oh, I’m so sorry, my condolences,” you’re like “Okay thanks, ‘bye. I’m not gonna hear from you for a while”… If someone says “I’m sorry,” I’m usually not gonna say like, “No it’s okay,” ‘cause obviously it’s not okay. It’s affected me. But I’ll take it and be like, “Well, it’s a part of life. It doesn’t change who I am as a person but it has definitely influenced my life and it impacted me and that’s kind of what brought me to where I am today.” Hailey, Ontario

Changing relationships

“I feel that the friends that did try to understand what I felt, I got closer to them. Like, I know that they didn’t understand what I was going through but they tried and that made things a little bit easier and made our bond stronger.” Madison, Nova Scotia

“Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year and a half now and he’s a big part of my life. He is the one person that, besides my mom, can hug me and my stress will just, poof, gone. So him understanding and just being there and being able to just hug me when I’m sad or when I’m just having a moment is one of the most helpful things ever. And he knew my dad before my dad died because we’ve been friends since we were like, 7. And we can bring up memories and he lets me sit there and cry and talk about my dad, and it’s really helpful.” Abby, Nova Scotia

“Some people are constantly asking questions and never leaving you alone, in the mean time saying, “you can have as much time as you want,” but you never get that time. They always keep going, keep going, keep going, and never leave you alone. It just gets really annoying. So then all you’re focusing on is everything bad that has happened so far, which honestly I don’t think is right.” Sarah, Ontario

“I’ve had some friends that were helpful and others that just weren’t, and I’ve lost friends because it’s a struggle to deal with grief, it takes a lot out of a person, and sometimes you don’t always realize that you’re not making the time for people or things that you used to do.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

“You have to stand your ground. You have to realize like what it is that you need or you want from life… I had a best friend from elementary school. I was friends with her for years, my mom basically treated her like her own child. And it broke me to have to take her out of my life but it got to the point where it was so toxic that she’d go from, “Oh, you’re such a great friend, blah-blah-blah” to “I tried to help you when your mom died, you’re so selfish, blah-blah-blah.” So like I had to let go of that piece of my mom that I didn’t wanna let go of through other people. But you just have to do what’s best for yourself… You can’t hold on to the things that are dragging you down.” Hailey, Ontario

What helped

“When I told my friends my grandfather died, they really just treated me the same way. I liked that, that actually helped.” Chayse, Manitoba

“It helps when like, when they don’t respond, they just listen. Like, they’re just there and you know that they’re there listening. If they don’t know what to say, they just don’t say anything. Instead of making things super awkward, just don’t say anything.” Madison, Nova Scotia

“I have had friends who sometimes just come over and it’s literally like, we don’t say a single thing about why, it’s just like, “I’m coming over.” I don’t even have to say anything.” Cody, Nova Scotia

“Me and my girlfriend started dating right around Christmas time so I find holidays and everything still do affect me. And like, you can’t explain to them, I can’t anyways. She just kinda like, she knew. She obviously knew that this happened and she thought like, holidays are gonna be a rough time so it’s just like, she was there. If she thought I was agitated, she’s like, “Okay, let’s watch your favourite show, let’s go to the movies, let’s go play hockey or something.” So it’s just like, she always tries to bring out things that she knows I like when I’m struggling. Like, I just don’t think it’s something you can teach but she just, she’s there for it.” Cody, Nova Scotia

“Having someone who’s not only reaching out to say, “I’m here for you” but in a more, like, direct way. But then also their family members of not having that awkward like, “Oh, it’s you again, hey!” For example, my boyfriend, his mom is always saying that, always, “Hey, if you need somebody, I’m genuinely here, ask questions. Ask me questions about finances, random things. Like, I’m actually here to talk to you ‘cause I know your situation is a bit difficult and you don’t really have anybody to talk to.” “Thank you.” Do I ever use it? No, but at least the option is there if you do have questions.” Hailey, Ontario

Hard to go back

“This all happened like, a few days before school started. It hurt a lot so I didn’t go to the first day of school. So I missed a lot. When I went back to school, it just didn’t feel right because, I’d go home and not see my dad. And then that led to the guidance counsellor taking me out of class often or asking to be excused to go see the guidance counsellor because I couldn’t deal with everything. So it was a rough start for the school year.” Calla, Manitoba

“Just going to school, I thought it would be fine but when you’re there, it just really hit me. I was walking down the hallway and everyone was seeing each other, and I’m just there trying to process everything because I haven’t been around people in such a while because I secluded myself. So seeing everyone, and everyone smiling, and I was just standing there, like, just not even reacting. Because all my friends moved to grade 9 and I’m in grade 8 so all my friends are gone. So I couldn’t talk to those people and say that, “hey, this is what’s going on.” …nobody even said ‘hi’ to me. Like, that hurt.” Claire, Manitoba

“My brother locked himself in his room for a month and a half and didn’t talk to anybody and didn’t go to school. And I get that because I went back to school the next day and it was hard. It was… everybody was walking on egg shells, or up in my face. And I just wanted to be left alone.” Abby, Nova Scotia

Focus

“Three days after my dad passed away, I was lost. I just stayed in my bed all day and didn’t focus on anything. And when I went back to school the teachers were rushing me to get back to work and I just couldn’t because I just couldn’t focus.” Anonymous, Nova Scotia.

“I didn’t go to school for the last month when my dad passed away and I didn’t really go to school at all through high school. But now I feel like it’s something that helps me. Although I might not be focused, but I feel it still distracts me.” Madison, Nova Scotia

“It’s so hard to go to school every day, and it’s so hard to like, focus. I guess teachers knowing that my dad had passed and like, if I need a break or something, because I’m too overwhelmed and stuff and I can’t focus, I’m allowed to just go for a walk. Instead of asking.” Chelsey, Nova Scotia

Motivation

“It’s hard to sit there in class and have to do work on papers and books knowing that somebody you love, you’re not going to see them again or hear their voice. Like, that in itself is so painful and just trying… it feels pointless to sit there and do work when… I don’t know what it’s for.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

“I struggled back and forth for two years to even go to school at all. I basically developed avoidance disorder of just getting so anxious being at school that I kept moving around. And it got to the point where I didn’t wanna go to prom because prom didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t have that aspect of, “Oh, I get to see both my parents watch me graduate.” So my motivation kind of was taken away.” Hailey, Ontario

Feel your feelings

“You’re stronger than you think. You never know how strong you are until you’re tested, and at times you’re not gonna feel so strong. You’re gonna have your good days, your bad days. That’s okay. It’s okay to shed a tear. It’s okay to smile. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s okay to have a day without thinking about the one that’s passed away. You shouldn’t feel guilty. They wouldn’t you thinking about them, like, every damn minute… So I mean, honour their memory, just honour their memory without just living in the past.” Cameron, Manitoba

“I think you shouldn’t suppress your feelings, even if it does make you feel less manly or less womanly or whatever. I don’t think you should suppress them because when I suppressed my feelings it took me to like, a really dark place. And they build up in your head and you’re constantly thinking about it but you don’t voice them to anybody. And it just snowballs into an even larger problem and it can get really outta hand and lead to bad things happening. So if you have feelings, you should talk to someone about it, like, whether it’s parents or a really trusted friend of something like that.” Wyatt, Ontario

“My advice is that it’s okay to feel. Like, it’s just gonna hurt. That’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad and have really shitty days. You’re also gonna have okay days, and you’re gonna have good days. And when you have a good day, don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t know why we tend to feel guilty about it. Like, I feel like the person who passed away would want you to have good days. It’s okay to have days where you have fun and smile. There’s nothing wrong with that — that’s what they want you to do. And especially for the guys out there, it’s a problem with men, we just tend to close off all our emotions. There’s some weird social thing that we’re like, weak or something, but to me, showing your emotions is strong. It takes courage. It’s really brave of you to open up about how you feel and be vulnerable.” Cameron, Manitoba

Take your time

“I think the most important thing to remember is that you’re never gonna get over it. All you do is you learn to live wth it. You can take it and you can either sit there and feel sorry for yourself, or you can take it and grow from it because growth is a choice. If you don’t sit there and think, “Hey, I need to grow from this,” you’re not gonna get anywhere. The other important thing is that you take your time. Don’t rush this shit. Take your time, feel your feelings because they are valid and you have to feel your feelings or you’re not going to get anywhere in life. These people are important and although they’re not here physically, they’re always there and they’re watching out for you. Your grief is individual, don’t let anybody tell you what to feel. Take your time.” Raquel, Nova Scotia

“I think one of the main things is that it’s okay to take time off. Like for me I kinda like just jumped back into everything and I just like… I didn’t ignore it but I just tried to think about other stuff and just like tried to go on with my life as it was before. So yeah, I’d tell myself to take some time and talk to people.” Camille, Ontario

“Grief is different. You have to do it at your own pace. It can take two months and it could take 50 years… You’re allowed to feel how you feel. There’s no right or wrong way. You can be sad one day and you can be happy the next. That’s just how it is.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

“When I was 6, I overheard the fact that my mom had 10 years to live. So I guess advice is like, you can’t ever prepare yourself for grief no matter how much time you have in advance.” Hailey, Ontario

Find an outlet

“I tend to like to do physical stuff, or something that will keep my mind off of it for a while. For example, writing some poetry, listen to music, weight lifting, maybe shadow boxing… if you’re feeling angry or something like that, or you feel negative towards other people, box, do the punching bag, weight lift. Burn that negative energy. I wish I started doing that at the beginning. ‘Cause when I first found out I kinda lost all motivation. I was angry. When I started weight lifting again I started to feel better too, physically and metally.” Cameron, Manitoba

“I read a lot. Like, excessively. Whenever somebody dies, I go on a binge and I buy like so many books and I just read all of them.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

Talk to people

“Talk to other people about it because that’s one of the most important things you can do. I think it’s really important, like talk to your dad, talk to your brother, see what they feel because everybody has different ideas and opinions about things and so they might have different strategies that they’ve developed for problems or something. It’s good to talk to other people about that.” Sully, Ontario.

“I was really scared to open up at first. Throughout my life I’ve had people abandon me. You don’t know, you might make a new friendship. You might have a similarity ‘cause a lot of people are going through what you’re going through, they just don’t say anything. So if you open up to somebody they might actually relate to you and then you might have a new bond, and that can lead to good things. How will you ever know if you don’t take that risk? It’s very important to open up.” Cameron, Manitoba

“When I’m feeling down I really enjoy talking to my grandma and aunt. Because like, they always know what to do in situations where I’m sad and stuff. I find it really helpful. So like, after school if I’m feeling down I’ll call my grandma or aunt, whichever one’s available, and just talk to them about what’s happening.” Anonymous, Manitoba

“Talk about it. Lots of people don’t talk about it and you get a one-sided opinion. You get your own opinion and that’s all. A lot of time it doesn’t help to have just your opinion, so if you have other people talking to you, you can get different sides and opinions, and it helps you see different ways of looking at it.” Ian, Manitoba

“Grief is almost like falling in love… We fall in love, you’re really vulnerable to that person. Now it could turn out great, or you could end up getting hurt. But some people, when they get hurt they’re like, “oh, I’m never gonna fall in love again,” and close down and they’re just gonna be miserable. But it’s okay to take the risk, it’s okay to open up. Sometimes it might not work out well. Some people might react negatively, positively — it all really varies, but take the risk. ‘Cause if someone’s gonna walk out of your life for you opening up to how you feel, let them walk. Straight out. ‘Cause that person, like, you’re a tree, they’re a branch. They’re gonna fall off and you’re gonna grow a new one. You know what I mean? You’ll have deep roots yourself. It’s okay if a weak branch falls off. You don’t need them. There’s a lot more to life. So it’s okay to open up, it’s okay to fail sometimes.” Cameron, Manitoba

Don’t put others’ needs ahead of your own

“I was so focused on what other people would think when I would tell them or when my dad would tell them about my mom. I would completely forget about my feelings ‘cause I was so fixated on what other people would think about my situation and I didn’t want them to judge me. And so my advice would just be: they’re not judging you. They care about you. Don’t be embarrassed, don’t be shameful. Whatever the circumstances are, it’s not your fault.” Sofie, Ontario

“Even though I don’t have a younger sibling I was still that person that took on that role of trying to help everybody else… Like, I tried to empathize and sympathize with the people around me rather than focusing on my own situation… you know, you want people to be okay around you, you wanna make sure that they’re okay before yourself. So you tend to take on that, like, “Okay, let me fix everybody else first before myself.” Hailey, Ontario

“You don’t have to pretend you’re okay all the time. Like, you’re allowed to have the days where you feel like you’re never gonna be okay again. And then you’re allowed to feel like you’re gonna be okay within the next hour. Like, you can have so many breakdowns and it’ll take 5 minutes before you think, like, “okay, I can do this, I just need to keep pushing forward and keep going.” Like, you don’t have to pretend to be okay all the time just to satisfy people around you because you need time to grieve…Don’t make your feelings feel small to accommodate somebody else. I think that was a big part of grief for me and learning how to deal with it. ” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

Try support groups

“Access the resources around you because in a situation like that, not being close with anyone else in my family, I went down a very rocky path. And I would have wished that I had a type of authority figure to kind of guide me because I went through the, “well, what do I do now?” And I kind of went in this big loop-di-loop roller-coaster of not knowing exactly what I wanted from life or not understanding, like, questioning the purpose of that kind of stuff. So yeah, having the resources around you but not just having it on paper. But having, like, a first session, like a trial, something to see what exactly it is to be in a [support] group. Because everyone assumes groups are like AA meetings.” Hailey, Ontario

“Honestly, you’re gonna be really nervous or like, you don’t wanna do it at first, but then in the end, you’re not gonna regret it. It’s really changed me and I’ve learned so much and I’ve met so many people. Last year was amazing, just being with all these people and going through the whole year with them and getting to know them and their experiences. And I think I would have really been upset if I hadn’t taken part in the group.” Hannah, Ontario

“I didn’t want to come to the group. I mean, I willingly signed up for it, but I didn’t want to just because I didn’t really know what to expect. In other random groups that I’ve been in, like, in my community, I was like, “well, I’m never doing that again.” And even though I come from far when I was in that group, trekking down every single week for two hours was a lot, especially in the snow… But what I gained from it was like, my stepping stone to my healing or whatever, moving on. Being able to be with people, even if you’re not in the same situation at all, despite who you’ve lost or, you know, what exactly the situation was, having that comfort to know that you’re not alone or know that you have people who are there who genuinely do understand the different waves that you go through… Yeah, just the fact of like, what you gain from it when you actually follow through with going through it, and the type of relationships that you make.” Hailey, Ontario

“You should go at least twice. I had to go three times before I was like, “okay.” But like, once is not enough because the first one, if I judged it on just the first one I would not be here today. Like, it was not a good experience… My mother forced me to come back. It helps to have somebody pushing you to do it but you can’t judge something off one time. It’s not really the same.” R.F., Ontario

“I think it’s important to go and at least try it out. ‘Cause honestly, you’re not gonna lose anything. Like, one time even, it’s like, two hours, and it might be a bit uncomfortable but you don’t have to go back. It’s definitely better if you do go again, but I think there’s no pressure to participate either. You don’t always have to be talking and I think it’s also just good to listen to other people and understand that other people are going through the same thing. And also to learn how to express your feelings.” Camille, Ontario

Think of the person who died

“Look in the mirror and say something nice about yourself every day. That’s what I would say to myself. Reflect on a good memory… I personally look in the mirror, I don’t mean anything physically, but if I look in the mirror and reflect like, “I’m strong like my dad,” or like, “adventurous like him.” You just sort of reflect on nice characteristics you share with that person.” Cameron, Manitoba

“Do what you think would make them proud, and do it as fast as you can. Go towards your goals.” Cody, Nova Scotia

“Think about what they would want you to be like, now. Or, if you’re not taking care of yourself, think about how they would feel and what they would want you to do and how they would want you to remember them. And by taking care of yourself and being responsible, that’s how you can remember them and respect their memory like that.” Sully, Ontario

“Just keep honouring the person that has passed away… Just think about keeping them in your heart but also try to move on with yourself, try to adjust to this new way of life. And more often than not, you’ll feel better.” Daniel, Ontario

“Just because they’re dead doesn’t mean you have to get rid of every single good or bad memory that you’ve had with the person. I think keeping those memories alive and talking about them is the most important thing.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

“Something that teachers might wanna understand is that we don’t always feel comfortable reaching out to you, so it is really important to think to themselves, like, “maybe I can reach out to them. Like, they’re the youth, I’m the adult, maybe I can reach out to them. Maybe they’re too scared to come to me and actually talk about this problem. So like, maybe if I talk to them, it’ll work.” And even if you offer and we say “no,” at least you still tried to do something about it.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia

“If I was a teacher, try to understand what the kid is going through. ‘Cause I have more to my life than school. When you have a lot going on up here, your math paper don’t mean shit. That’s the honest truth. It sounds kinda harsh on my end, but if I’m trying to deal with like, I lost my parent, do you think I’m gonna somehow muster up the energy to even do that? Probably not. I do try, I don’t wanna fail so I’m trying my best to do it. But if it’s not the greatest, bear with me a little ‘cause I’m dealing with the loss of a parent, suicide… stuff like that. Like, sorry, I’ve got a lot more going on, okay? Just talk to students. Understand them, what makes them tick. And look at them as more of a human, not a number.” Cameron, Manitoba

“My mom used to work at my junior high school. So like, the teachers coming up to me and hugging me and saying, “Are you okay?” Just like, it’s a thing that happens all the time so just like, treat me like any other kid. So it was just kinda hard because they all knew because they know my mom.” Anonymous, Nova Scotia

“It is nice if they offer you even if you don’t want it. Like, just to have the offer to like, if you didn’t really pay attention in the class, “do you need sheets written down of what you covered and stuff?” I find that’s really helpful. Like, while we’re grieving we’re not the same person we were before. It does change you. I don’t want you to act like, I don’t want you to say something in front of the whole class ‘cause I don’t want all the attention when you’re grieving but at the same time I’d want to you act with something after class. It’s like, you’ve just got to even it out.” Cody, Nova Scotia

“I was sitting in class one day and my teacher says “everyone, I have an announcement,” and I was like, ‘what are they doing?’ “Her grandma recently died so I want you to make sure that she’s doing okay.” … I was so humiliated and some people were like, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” and then they’re just like, “What’s our next period?” And I was so mad. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch that teacher. It was like, really? That’s how you treat someone? Like, they didn’t pull me aside, they didn’t ask me like what was going on. They disrespected my privacy ‘cause I didn’t want the whole school to know. I just wanted people who were like, in charge to know because you spend more time at school than you do at your own house.” Claire, Manitoba.

“The thing with death by suicide is the guilt that people feel around them, like, “Oh, I should have known this.” And that brings a whole new part to it. And the bullying around that and the stigma is so much greater. And not to say that there isn’t a lot of bullying when it comes to grief on a regular basis, but I mean when somebody has experienced a loss that was purposeful… the people around them just, it’s just hard to get it.” Anonymous, Nova Scotia

“People joke about if something bad happens in their life, they’re like, “Oh I’m gonna kill myself,” or “I’m gonna off myself” or something like that. And I think we just have to be more careful about what we say because we don’t know how many people have lost someone to suicide. Like, it’s just being mindful… Right now teenagers and younger kids are growing up on social media and they grow up thinking that it’s cool to say around everybody, “I’m gonna go kill myself. Like, I just failed that test, I’m gonna kill myself.” That’s such a big thing right now because you see everything on social media and you just think it’s okay to say it. But it’s not.” Roslyn, Nova Scotia